A book, a beer, a towel and a chair – I have all I want. As the sun shines down on me, not a cloud in the sky, I feel the warmth of those I have lost surrounding me – protecting me. I think of my mom and dad and how much […]
Ever wonder why we dream the things we dream? The last few nights I have had many vivid dreams. Just a hodgepodge of bits and pieces stuff perhaps trying to tell me something about where I’m going or what I am doing. The other night while having this series of flashbacks I was overwhelmed, like I was watching a dozen television shows at one time trying to keep up with the storyline in each one. Before I woke up the last thing I saw was very clear.
The scene went like this: I saw a smurf – yes a smurf -standing in front of a rainbow. The sun was shining down on him – enveloping him – and the colors of the rainbow were reflecting off this little blue person. Amongst all the beauty, this sweet little smurf was standing in the middle of the rainbow, sun shining and he was flipping the bird. It was so vivid! It was like I was standing right in front of him.
For an explanation- and perhaps a dose of reality – I turned to my dear friend Michelle. “What do you think it means?” I asked her. Her answer was so clear and made so much sense.
“Maybe fuck what everyone else (finger) thinks. You are gonna be happy (sunshine) and chase your dreams (rainbow). And maybe you are a smurf because you are the little one of our group? Or because smurfs are who they are (happy smurf) (grumpy smurf) and you just wanna be who you are.”
So simple and yet so complicated. We’re all still figuring out who we are – every day. If you say you’re not then you’re lying to yourself. But I’m thankful for my friends who help me find my way when I’m lost and shine a light when when I am down. They love me when I’m happy, sad, bitchy, snarky, hungry and all the smurfs rolled into one.
Whoever I am today, I know I wouldn’t be me without them.
For the anxious, procrastination is a product of anxiety. Yet, it is the fuel that fires anxiety. A fire that dances wildly inside the head, ravaging the synapses of every existing neurone. So much chaos, the rational voice that says: you are worthy and there’s time to do something, anything, gets lost within it. Consumed […]
It’s amazing the types of things that comfort us in difficult times. The day we buried mom was perhaps the worst day of my life. When I lost dad that was bad enough, but mom and I had been inseparable since dad passed and I had lost a very large piece of my heart that day. I remember standing in the chapel at the funeral home looking at her in the casket, memories of her flooding my brain as I cried, feeling so alone and wanting to just crawl in there with her. What was I going to do without her?
The funeral director called us to come together in the family room so I touched mom’s face one last time and said my final goodbye. As I tried desperately to put one foot in front of the other, I saw something out of the corner of my eye; I turned my head and laying there on the empty pew was one of those bracelets that we used to make when we were kids – you know the kind with the different colored string wound together to make what was then called a “friendship bracelet.” It was pink and black and white and was a bit big so I had to double it in order to put it on my wrist. I haven’t taken it off since.
Why – when the chapels are cleaned daily and hers was the first service of the day – would this have been left there? Surely, someone on staff would have picked it up and thrown it away or put it in the lost and found after the final service the previous day? The answer is simple – I’ve come to believe that mom left this bracelet there for me, just so I would know she was okay. Because I had to double the bracelet, it feels as if I have mom’s arms holding me, keeping me safe. I know the day will come when I won’t need it anymore, and I am leaving that decision to fate. One morning I will wake up or I’ll be at work and look down and it will be gone. I’m not looking forward to that day because as simplistic as it seems, this bracelet has become a part of me and is a reminder that mom is still with me. It has become a “security blanket” of sorts and like a child with a pacifier, it keeps me calm.
Mom told me when I was three years old, we were in the car riding down Broad Street and all of a sudden, I threw my beloved pacifier out the window. When she asked me why, my response was “no want.” I never used a pacifier again. Perhaps the day my bracelet leaves me will be the day I “no need,” but I’ll cherish it while I have it.
Brad Paisley is a hell of a singer/songwriter. He can take any topic and write about it in a way that will make the listener relate and think about their own life. Case in point – his song of reflection entitled “Letter to Me.” While I was working today, this particular song came on and it got me thinking about my own letter and what I would say to my younger self if I had the chance:
1. When mom and dad get into their only fight in 47 years of marriage over a Snicker’s Bar, and mom grabs her purse and runs out – don’t worry, she WILL be back.
2. Don’t write on the wall with the red pencil you find in the end table drawer. Mom knows what you’re doing.
3. When you’re seven years old and mom tells you to pick up your toys – do it! Dad will come home to whip you with the belt – or at least scare the bejesus out of you so you pee all over the porch.
4. You are not always the good girl everyone thinks you are. Take responsibility for your mistakes.
5. Do NOT skip church and make out with your boyfriends in the Sunday School classrooms. You may fool your mom, but God sees all. (EWWWWWW)
6. Try to get along better with your brother. He’s the only one you’ll have.
7. Dad will want to go with you to buy your first bra – let him, but bring mom with you too. Yes it will be uncomfortable, but you’re his baby girl and you’re growing up. He’s proud.
8. Don’t wear that purple sparkly sweater in Junior High – you will get teased mercilessly.
9. Don’t start smoking!
10. If you go to prom in high school, go with someone you actually like.
11. On October 4, 1982, you will be intimidated by a girl in your World History class; don’t be. Dare her to do something outrageous (like smacking the teacher on the ass for her birthday). Trust me – both your futures are worth it.
12. Don’t run away at 17 thinking you can find something better. YOU CAN’T. Realize your parents did the best with what they knew, loved you unconditionally, and you can’t get that anywhere else.
13. Tell mom and dad you love them – every day.
There are so many more things I’d want to tell my younger self – I screwed up a lot – but I think I hit the highlights.
If you could go back and time and talk to your younger self, what would you tell him or her? I’d love to hear your comments!
So it’s been awhile since I’ve written. I haven’t really been in the mood. After mom passed away in March, I was so lost and felt so alone. I didn’t know what to do or how I was going to live without her. Don’t get me wrong, I still have those days now and then, and probably will for the rest of my life. My mom was my rock, and other than my best friend, she was the only other person in the world who knew me inside and out. She loved me no matter what. We had been through a lot in the three years since my father’s passing and it brought us closer together.
If it hadn’t been for my BFF these last couple of months, I know I would have lost it and I would have wound up either self-medicating or dead. I’m not as strong as people think I am, and losing my mom was the ultimate test. I’m still trying to figure out if I passed or not. In any event, I came up with some thoughts over the last couple of months about grief and love and doing what YOU need to do to get through your own process. Some will help, others you may say, “she doesn’t know what the F*** she’s talking about.” But to each his own….
1. Cry until you can’t cry anymore….and then cry some more.
2. You don’t have to be strong…be a basket case if you want to be.
3. Make a DVD of your loved one’s life – I did this for the viewing of my mom and I can’t tell you how therapeutic it was to do this. I watched it a dozen times and knew she was there with me. Also, it’s a great help if you find you have problems with suggestion #1.
4. Don’t be in such a hurry to move on and get on with life. If anyone tells you to do that, tell ‘em to bugger off.
5. Don’t feel as if you have to forget. When grieving, memories are our bridge to the other side. Think about the good times – and the bad. Remembering both keeps your grief in check and helps you remember that nobody is perfect.
6. Don’t worry if there are times you can’t remember something about your loved one; this is your mind’s way of helping you cope.
7. Don’t feel guilty for having a life and hanging out with friends. This one is very difficult for me and I must say I still have issue with it from time to time. I took care of mom until the day she died but now when I’m out with my friends or at work, there are times I still pick up the phone to call and check on her. And then it hits me. Mom always told me I needed to be with my friends, and not worry about her… some days it’s hard to follow her advice.
8. Let your friends and extended family be there for you – see suggestion # 2.
9. Talk to your loved one every day – in the car, in your room, wherever you want. A friend told me that because most cars today use Bluetooth to connect to cell phones, I can talk to my mom and people will think I’m talking on the phone…LOL. What’s funny is that I do this every morning on my way to work…I talk to mom and dad as I’m driving or stopped at a light. It brings me a sense of peace.
10. To Hell with what people think. This is YOUR grief, YOUR process and YOUR loss. If you need to lock yourself in your room or take a drive to nowhere – do it. Take the time to mourn your loss – you are not one anyone’s timetable but your own.
Grief is scary as hell…I’ve been through it twice with my folks in the last three years, and I’m here to tell you it does NOT get easier. In fact, it gets harder as we get older. When we lose a parent, we may as well be five years old; we become that emotional child thinking that our parents will live forever. And then reality sets in and we must learn how to live without them. I know they taught me well, and I hope mom and dad are sitting on a cloud in Heaven saying, “Yep, we did good.”
Thought I would share a little ditty my daughter sent to her best friend. She has been spending some time with her and apparently there is a problem with the plumbing. Enjoy!!
My dearest Stinkerbell,
I’m at my wits end. I have tried talking, bargaining, reasoning, flattery, everything I can think of…but your shower hates me. This morning I took great pains to make sure shower knew I was there. I was not condescending in any way. I was just as friendly as I could be. I even took great pains to point out how gentle I was being with the knobs but to no avail. Perhaps when you get home tonight the three of us can have a chat and sort this all out.
Love ya Buddy
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 890 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 15 trips to carry that many people.
I know it’s been awhile since I have written, folks. I finished up with school, had a great party with friends and family, and I felt the need to take a writing break. But I’m back now! Something really lit a fire under me over the last couple of days (do they still say that?) and of course I had to put my two cents worth in.
Facebook is an awesome tool; I love keeping up to date with my friends and seeing their pictures and comments about the goings on in their lives. It makes me feel as if I am with them, even with those friends that are thousands of miles away. But this morning, I woke up and read an exchange that made me wonder if people really understand the power of their own words.
Like many of you, I belong to several groups on Facebook; everything from my favorite television shows to causes and couponing. One of the groups I belong to is an academic group and as I was perusing my timeline this morning, I came upon a discussion that took place last night among the members. After reading the 100+ comments – Wow! All I can say is WOW!
One member posted an innocent comment – a question really – asking if other members in the group had ever received emails offering “help” with assignments. The conversation started out pretty generic with others saying they had received similar emails, telling her to ignore them…pretty tame stuff…until I scrolled down and saw the firestorm that one individual created by saying things that made me cringe. I don’t know where it came from….this person had to be high as a kite or suffering from a serious case of idiocy. This individual was calling those involved in the conversation bitches, c**ts, and even said to “stab yourself with a double-edged sword.” WTH??? A member of another group about a television show posted a selfie and someone called her a “fat ass crack hoe” and said she “looked like she needed some dick.” What is wrong with you people???
Are you really so insecure that you have to attack people you don’t even know? Is your self-esteem so far in the toilet that you have to tear other people down? Come on people…grow up and treat people how you want to be treated. What if someone said the same things to your mother or sister or wife? Or father, or brother or husband? How would that make you feel? Is it really that difficult to be kind on line and post comments with class?
For those of you that need a lesson in online etiquette, remember the following:
• Do not post anything you would not want said to you
• There are real people on the other end of that keyboard, so remember their feelings
• If you do not agree with someone, do not respond right away. Step away and come back to it.
• There is no need for name-calling. You are supposedly an adult and should know a better way to get your point across.
• If you can’t do any of the above, then keep your comments to yourself.
I have left the aforementioned groups; mainly because I have no time for drama and cannot stand to see other people react in such a negative way to people they have never met. Makes me wonder how they treat the people in their own life.
Did you vote today? I try to vote every year; however, I chose this particular election not to vote and you would think I robbed a bank and killed ten people! It started when I got into work this morning and a coworker asked me if I voted. “No,” I said. “Are you gonna?” she says. “No,” I respond. “What??!!” she screamed at me. “Well don’t be complaining if you don’t like the way things are,” she continues. Please! Thirty minutes later another coworker walked down the aisle asking, “Who over here voted?” I kept my mouth shut because frankly, I did not want to get into a freaking debate at 10:00 in the morning,
So I didn’t vote; I’m not asking for forgiveness, I’m just saying I don’t like any of the candidates and both can screw up our government equally so why bother? I know, I know, it’s my duty as a citizen to vote and if I want change, then I have to vote, we as women have earned the right, blah, blah, blah. Frankly I have my own problems to deal with and it doesn’t really matter to me with this particular election who gets voted into office and breaks the promises they made that got them there in the first place. After the Virginia scandal of Bob McDonnell and his wife, I am a bit leery of trusting any type of government official with any part of decision-making in my State, let alone my own neighborhood.
Bring me a candidate who puts paying for the needs of our elderly ahead of paying for the next State dinner or that vacation to Hawaii; one that doesn’t forget the contribution our vets made and the debt they paid to our country so that we could be free. Bring me a candidate who is worried about their city and works to help the homeless and those on the verge of losing their home. I want a candidate who puts money into the city to create jobs and opportunities for those who have none; not one who takes money out and lays off thousands of people. Bring me a candidate who knows how to listen to and implement suggestions of his constituents; not one who plasters a fake smile and then does just the opposite of what was promised. I want a candidate who takes a cue from Mariska Hargitay and believes “NO MORE” and is dedicated to ending domestic violence and sexual abuse. And finally, bring me a candidate who worries about our youth and how they will survive their future – or if they will even have one. If the government spending continues to be out of control, affecting supplemental programs like disability and social security will these programs even be around if they are needed? If you can find a candidate who can successfully accomplish even one of these tasks, then we’ll talk. In the meantime, don’t give anyone grief for exercising their right NOT to vote – it is a choice – NOT a law.
Worry about the woman who threw her child off a bridge, or the teenager who was killed or maimed because he was texting and driving. Worry about the children who don’t have enough to eat or the elderly couple down the street who don’t have enough money left from their social security to pay for their medication. DON’T worry about the people around you who choose not to vote – it is their decision, not yours.